As the family scapegoat, it’s hard to do anything right in the eyes of family members who target you. Whether you’re trying to connect or assert your individuality, they always find a way to criticize your actions. This contradictory cycle leaves those of us in the scapegoat role feeling confused and utterly drained!
“But why me?”
This is a question I’m often asked by scapegoat survivors. In this article I will try to provide a broad explanation for the narcissist’s behavior and reasons for why the family scapegoat gets much of the brunt.
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall Who’s the Fairest of them All?
Do you remember the fairytale of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? In the story the evil (and might I add narcissistic) Queen couldn’t fathom a reality where she wasn’t the best, fairest, most powerful person in the Land. Her overinflated, yet quite fragile ego feared this so much so that she casts a spell on Snow White to preserve her status in the Kingdom.
But why Snow White? What did she do to deserve the Queen’s wrath? She sings and dances with forest animals. She befriends a group of Little People who were cast out into the woods. Her kind and tender nature attracts humans and critters alike. Don’t these qualities merit admiration? In the eyes of a narcissist, qualities that many of us would deem admirable often trigger the narcissist’s insecurity, sparking shame, jealousy, and anger. When this occurs, the narcissist becomes internally dysregulated as their overinflated sense of self is now punctured with the reality that they are an imperfect human being with vulnerabilities, flaws, and insecurities just like the rest of us. To combat this, the narcissist will find ways of building themselves back up…usually at the expense of others. Maybe it’s an angry outburst or harsh criticism targeted at the person who triggered their insecurity. Maybe it’s belittling others around them to reinforce their internal sense of superiority. Maybe it’s leaning on the enablers in their life who will reassure them of their beauty, brains, charisma, or success.
I would argue that all family scapegoats embody certain qualities that the narcissists in their family envy because they themselves believe they are lacking in these very areas. Take empathy for instance. Narcissists naturally have difficulties with empathy. If you on the other hand are someone whose empathic abilities come second nature, the narcissist in your life might see your genuine empathy toward others as threatening. When a narcissist sees your innate proclivity toward empathy and how that empathy is well responded to, the fact that they themselves are unable to respond similarly is highlighted. This triggers insecurity which leads to shame. Anger or disgust arise to defend from the insecurity. The narcissist might then try to undermine your empathy, redirect the conversation away from the intimacy formed between you and the other person, or talk poorly about you with the enablers who are wrapped around their finger. All these actions are attempts to reinflate their ego and distance themselves from their insecurity.
Psychological Projection: It’s not My Problem. It’s Yours!
Psychological projection is a tactic that a narcissist might employ—intentionally or unintentionally—when they become triggered. Psychological projection is when someone attributes their own feelings, thoughts, or flaws onto another person as if these qualities belong to that person rather than themselves. In the case of a narcissist, to combat the internal dysregulation bubbling from the insecurities that were triggered, they may project their unwanted feelings directly onto the scapegoat. If they, for example, are jealous of your appearance, they might make fun of you or gaslight you into believing that you’re flaunting your looks. If it’s a talent of yours they envy, they’ll ignore your success, ridicule your interest in it, or find ways of raising the bar (i.e. “You just got a bronze medal. If it were gold, I’d be proud.”). This is all done so that you now feel insecure and the narcissist, seeing their effect on you, feels back on top.
Narcissistic Objectification
Neglect and emotional abandonment are common experiences for many children of narcissistic parents. This is partly due to the narcissistic parent’s distorted perception of others as objects or extensions of themselves rather than as whole, independent human beings with thoughts, feelings, and needs. This distorted perception is referred to as narcissistic objectification. In the narcissistic family system, the narcissistic parent is, by default, the “most important” person in the family. They are the only one whose thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs “truly matter.” Everyone else in the family exists to serve the narcissist in ways the narcissist deems fit. Children in narcissistic family systems tend to fall into roles that reinforce the narcissist’s ego and/or hold the narcissist’s insecurities or unwanted feelings. Many adults I have met who were scapegoats in their families have expressed feeling invisible unless they were being reprimanded, ridiculed, or bossed around. This is because the scapegoat child serves as a vessel for the narcissistic parent’s insecurities, shame, anger, and disgust. For the narcissist, the scapegoat child becomes a reminder of all that they are insecure about. Thus, they alternate between avoiding, bullying, or using the scapegoat, depending on how inflated their ego is in the moment.
In Group/Out Group Mentality
As children we inherently crave security and relational connection, leaning heavily on our caregivers to provide a safe enough, stable enough environment filled with love, compassion, and attention. Living in a narcissistic household can feel unsafe and unstable. Love, compassion, and relational connection is inconsistently—if at all— provided by the narcissistic parent. If/when it is given, it’s often on a conditional or lopsided basis (i.e. I’m kind to you when I need something from you. I pay some attention to you when you succeed in the ways that I expect of you. You should express your love and gratitude for me, but don’t expect me to do the same for you).
As referenced above, each child may be placed in a specific role in the family system to meet the specific needs of the narcissist. This can create a type of family hierarchy with the scapegoat at the bottom of the totem pole. The scapegoat not only gets the brunt of the narcissist’s cruelty. They are also mistreated by other members of the family such as siblings or even the secondary parent. I believe that because everyone is living in a traumatizing environment, ganging up on the scapegoat is done predominately out of self-preservation. Family members are projecting their insecurities or unwanted negative feelings onto the scapegoat so that they can continue to function in their role within the narcissistic household. They are also witnessing the harm done to the scapegoat. In an attempt to distance themselves from potential harm and remain in sync with the rest of the family they fall in step with the cruel behavior. Now we have a divide with the scapegoat considered the out group and other members of the family considered the in group. If the scapegoat tries to make bids for closeness, advocate for themselves, or place further distance from the in group, the more ammunition the in group has against them. It can feel like a lose-lose situation. Yikes!
Breaking the Cycle: Embracing Your Worth Beyond the Narcissistic Family System
Breaking free from the role of family scapegoat is a profound and courageous journey. As scapegoats become adults, many find that setting strong boundaries with enmeshed family members is essential for reclaiming their sense of self. This might include limiting contact, withholding certain self-disclosures, or setting strict limits on when, where, and how long visits occur. These boundaries are not just acts of self-preservation—they are acts of self-respect.
Seeking support from an experienced, narcissism-informed therapist can also be transformative. Therapy offers a safe space to make sense of past experiences, heal old wounds, and develop the tools to honor your truth and live authentically. Through this work, you can move beyond the scapegoat role, rediscover your inherent worth, and connect with relationships that truly nurture and value who you are.
Healing takes time, but remember that you are not alone! By stepping out of the narcissistic family dynamics, you are choosing to build a life that reflects your strengths, resilience, and individuality. You deserve relationships that embrace you fully—and as you continue to honor your own voice, you’ll discover that a fulfilling life beyond the family role is not only possible but also deeply empowering.
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